Bye bye 2013...hello 2014

2013 has been a great year! A LOT has happened in just 12 short months. I've traveled to Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Long Beach, and Nebraska. I've celebrated my 21st birthday, my two year anniversary, the birth of my adorable nephew, and my wedding. I've laughed and cried and been angry so many times. I started college for the second time. I bought a new car.  I made some pretty amazing friends. I've grown closer to friends I've already had. I have made life changing decisions and life changing mistakes. I've been right and been wrong. I've struggled and excelled.  

I have done many things this year but in 2014 I want to do more. This does not mean that I am going to work myself to the bone but instead, that I want to better myself. I want to become more peaceful. I want to learn to be satisfied. I want to learn the true nature of patience. I want to meet more people and learn their stories. I want to develop more bonds and put myself out there more. 

I have a feeling that 2014 is going to be awesome. And something that I'm learning is that your attitude impacts your reality. So, I'm sure this year will a great. 

The "Small Stuff"

I am beginning to learn some tough lessons but ones that I think are truly necessary for growth and positive change in my life. 

I am moody...bitchy...rude...hard to get along with and annoying. I blow things out of proportion and let the littlest of things ruin my day. I make a fool of myself often. I play the victim. I make my problems seem like I am the only person in the world they are happening to. I complain and whine. I am needlessly cold to strangers and acquaintances alike. I convince myself that all people are awful...they are the problem...not me. I am stubborn and very opinionated. I form condescending thoughts instantly upon meeting someone or laying eyes on something I don't approve of. I think the very worst of people who have given me no reason to. 

I can be a truly horrible person on a regular basis all because I let the smallest of things bother me so much. I let things build up in my mind so much that I become a crazy angry ball of rage. I really do not like this part of me. I wish I felt I had more control over it but it feels so out of control all the time! 

I have done a lot of thinking about methods to fix this growing problem and have thought of a few things that may help. I am excited to give them a shot! 

1. I am going to wake up early enough to have breakfast and to take my time getting ready in the morning before work. 

This should give me a chance to wake up before heading to work and hopefully give me a positive start to my day. 

2. I am going to start doing things that I love to do. I love going to get my nails done. And I love going to places and just people watching. And I love reading all kinds of books. These are some things that I have lost sight of and things that I would really love to get back to. 

3. I am going to start taking yoga classes. Hopefully meditation and stress release will bring my mind peace and give me a fresh new outlook on life. 

With a new year almost upon me, I think it is time to make these changes in my life. I am working on a New Years resolution list that will include some other important changes but this topic is the biggest in my life so far. 

What I am thankful for...

This Thanksgiving I started the day a little down. My family is mostly all six hours away from me and I was stuck in LA working without them. For the few days before the holiday I even told my husband that this year just didn't feel like Thanksgiving. Usually my family would start doing all the prepping a week or two in advance. We would all decide who was making what and when we would all meet up. It's usually really exciting. We will all relax on the day of and watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade on tv. 

But this year, we didn't do any of that. So, my heart was heavy on Thanksgiving. 

That was, until, I took the time to look around me. I saw the relationships I had made here in LA that weren't family but had become my family over the years. Even though my blood family was 350 miles away, I was still surrounded by love and affection here in the valley. 

So, I learned something particularly valuable this Thanksgiving...I learned that your family is what you make it. In this big, crazy world it is silly to think that everything will always work out perfectly and everyone will be able to spend every holiday with family. And it is in those times that you learn to forge additional family members with the people you come in contact with everyday. 

So, to wrap this long rambling post up...this year is learned that I am not only thankful for my family but I am also thankful for my LA family who always remind me how loved and cherished I am. Additonally, I am thankful for my marriage gained family whom I have come to love so much. They have become permanent fixtures in my life and I couldn't imagine life without them. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 

Life is tough every once in a while

It has been a while since I've posted anything. I have good reason though. In the past couple weeks I had the majority of my family in town for one of the biggest days of my life. I got married! 

It was beautiful and amazing and I'll never forget any moment of it. 

One thing I wish I could forget though is how it felt when my family had to go home. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life here in the valley with my husband and our cat, Oliver. But, being without your family close by is hard. 

Tonight is one of those nights when my heart is aching for my family. I want to be near them. I want to be able to hold my nephew and play with my nieces. I want to go get my nails done with my new found sister in law. Between school and work, days to go see them are few and far between. 

I will be fine. Life will go on. But I can't help but feel like there lives will pass me by. One day I will wake up and my newborn nephew will be 5 and then 12 and then 18 and I will have missed it. 

How do I make time for people so far away? 

Overwhelmed

Life can be so overwhelming sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if everyone else is like me in that when they get overwhelmed their mind basically freaks out.  At the moment I am planning a wedding (24 more days), going to school full time, working, and trying to manage my time well to distribute it to family and friends.  With all that said, recently, I have been extremely overwhelmed.  Trying to find the balance of it all is one thing but when I have bills to pay and grades to make it can push me past my breaking point.

My fiancé told me today, when I had a moment of absolute panic (bless him), to just focus on the parts I need to get done today.  It became much more manageable when I could look at it that way.  Today I focused on spending time with my mom, getting a couple things done for the wedding, and doing some homework in the evening.  When I could break it down into smaller more manageable chunks it was easier to digest.  If I don't I end up looking at the giant pile of things I need to do (laundry, checks to write, cars to wash, people to visit and call and check in on, projects to finish, papers to write, chapters to read....AHHHHHH!) If I do that I end up crawling back into bed and saying forget it!

I have always been like that and the people closest to me have learned to tell me to break it into chunks.  When I am reminded of that point I am okay.  But today I became curious as to how other people do it. Do they just deal with the anxiety?  Or do they not feel that anxiety at all?  Do they do what I do?  Or do they try to get it all done in one day?  I began thinking, maybe there is a better way!  Because mine only works if I can remember to do it and usually only after I have had a couple freak out moments.

I have been doing my best lately to let things go.  Letting the person who cut me off go...letting the rude person at work go...letting a mistake I have made go...

It is difficult on some days.  Today was one of them.  I was irritable and grouchy all day.  Emotionally drained.  To be honest, I felt like a total lunatic for the majority of the day!  One second I was okay and the next I was drowning in my panic and the next I was snapping at my cat to leave me alone.

I think what I am learning from days like this is that it happens.  One bad day or two bad days or even a whole bad month doesn't mean that its all bad.  It just means that its a little crazy right now.  In a couple days or a few months from now it might calm down or it might be an all new kind of crazy!  Who knows?!  All I know is that life moves so fast.  You never know what is coming.  So enjoy every second of it.  If you need to be grouchy for a bit, be grouchy.  But then pick yourself back up and try again.  

Compassion

The above picture has the words to the very tough lesson I am learning right now. It is so easy to get caught up in petty arguments with people and to hold grudges that you forget what it is really important in life. You forget that we live in a beautiful place full of broken people. People that are trying to get by in this crazy life. People with mothers and fathers, children, pets, and friends just like you and me. People with money issues...family drama...long hours at work. People with their own set of pains and hurts and sorrows. 

I have started something new within myself in the past couple of weeks. I am really trying to let go of past wrongs and to forgive and forget. I am trying to rebuild relationships that I thought were lost and to root new ones in love. Let go of grudges and hurt that I have felt and embrace the present moment.

A couple of weeks ago the world slapped me hard in the face with something I had been holding on to. By holding onto my hurt I had hurt someone else.  I was raised to feel compassion and all my life I have felt it very deeply. And in that moment when I had seen what my refusal to let go had done, I knew I never wanted to make anyone feel that way again regardless of what they had done to me. 

However, how do you walk that road of being soft without also being a pushover? I have come to the conclusion that it is possible. If someone wrongs me I have within me the power to address it with them and then to let it go. What they do with it is out of my control. For me, and for my life, it is healthier for me to let it go that to hold on to hate and anger and to let "the world make me hard."  

I don't want there to ever be tension between myself and someone else. I want to leave this world some day leaving only love and happiness where I've been. In order to do that, I need to change my heart and strive to be soft. Because, really, life is too short for hate. Don't you think? 

The meaning of it all...

I have just started my second term of nursing school and with that new start have had a lot of moments to stop and think about my life.  I have thought about my successes and of course my failures.  I have thought about recent events, both the good ones and the bad ones.  I have had the time to ponder over my choices: my choice to go back to school, to break off this friendship, but to maintain another.  With all of this thinking, I have often wondered, "why?"  Why did I make that choice?  I have also wondered "how?" How it got to the way it is now.... And finally I've wondered "what?"  What can I do right now to make sure that either things maintain their good path or move onto a better path in the future?

If you really think about it, each and every one of our lives is made up of choices.  For example, you chose what you were going to where today, what you were going to do today, and what you were going to say or not say to people.  Those are small choices; however, you have also chose who to keep in your life and who to give up on.  These choices that we are all making every day of our lives shape us into who we are.

Sometimes it can be really tempting to wish with all your heart that you could go back and change it all.  But really, if you think about it, the only thing you can change is who you are from this day forward.  So, I guess what I am trying to say is that the meaning of it all comes down to who you choose to be.  Your life can be meaningful and full of wonder and happy memories if you choose to make it that way.  Some of the most positive people lead trial filled lives, yet they still maintain their sense of meaning.  They somehow know that beyond what they are going through right now that life is beautiful.

In the same way, I am learning that despite what I may have chosen for myself in the past, I can choose to be different today.  I can choose to push away people's misconceptions of me and to build myself up to be whoever I want.  And when, in my pursuit to be a positive person, I fail and speak words of negativity, I can choose to not allow that misstep to define me.  I can choose to move past it and live the life I am craving.

I recently found a quote that I like quite a bit:  "If you want to be happy, be." -Unknown  I think I might be using that in my life more often to remind myself of my choices.

Be yourself

I found something on the inter web today that I thought was very profound and spoken in a way I probably would say it to someone if I had the opportunity.  I unfortunately found it while I was supposed to be studying but that's another story for a different day.  hehe

 Click on this link to go to the youtube page for the vlog I found that posted this.  The vlog is called jennamarbles and it is one that I have followed for a long time.  She is hilarious but every once in a while she posts something like this that makes me go, "yeah, I totally get that."

After watching that I started thinking about my own life and how I have learned to be myself throughout the years.  I have told many people that it wasn't until everything was stripped away that I had the "opportunity" (and I put opportunity in quotes because it was more of a bone scraping, agonizing struggle) to find out who I really am on the inside.  Like she says in the video, it is really nice to have a support group around yourself and it can become easy to rely on those things to define yourself.  However, at some point in every single person's life you have to have it all taken from you.  Your family.  Your friends.  Your money.  Every single thing that makes up who you think you are has to go in order for you to turn inward and figure it out.  I don't think that this is a one time thing.  I think it will happen throughout your life again and again; and then each time you will see exactly what makes you....you.

For example, last year my best friend and I had a major falling out.  I don't think I have ever spoken about it on here.  It was awful and probably the worst experience I have ever been through.  I felt alone and isolated from everything and everyone that I had built up around me.  I felt like a crazy person to be honest because I cried all the freaking time.  It took us quite a while to get to a point where we could talk about it (let alone talk to each other at all) and sort all the craziness out.  During that time, however, I learned so SO much about who I am as a person.  I learned to be self reliant.  I learned that I don't particularly like parties are group gatherings or anything like that.  Actually, I'd probably go a long way to avoid them.  I learned that the fact that I don't like those things is okay.  I learned who my real friends were.  I learned that I was not being the person or friend that I could be.  I learned all about what being a friend really means and how hard it is to fulfill that role all the time.  I learned that I need to (for my sanity) take time out of every day for myself--whether that is a bubble bath, a starbucks run, or just a few minutes alone lying in bed.  I need that time to decompress and be all that I can be.  I learned however dramatically that I have limits to how much I can take from one day before I emotionally combust.  I learned to listen to those warning signs and go cool off before I do.  I learned that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a tough, smart, and loving human being who has goals and dreams and things still left to do on this earth with or without anyone else by my side.  I now have a level of self confidence that I didn't have before.  I am by no means perfect but I trust my instincts and know that I can make it on my own.

Watch that video and reexamine your life.  As people, we are constantly changing and evolving and hopefully, bettering ourselves.  Being the best you you can be is a big part of that.     

Eat pray love

I am watching the movie Eat Pray Love right now. I have read the book before and seen the movie before but I don't think I will ever get tired of its truth. I think I can relate so much to it because at my core I am very much like Liz...

I tend to have an idea and then I throw myself into it with all of my heart. I go big or go home. I find something and then run with it. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't sit still for long even though that sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world. However, if I am not interested, it is the most difficult thing to get myself to actually try. I lose my temper a lot. I cry all the time for the strangest of reasons. I like to eat and eat and eat. Large crowds give me anxiety. I like to think that I have it all figured out but I am actually taking it step by step. My thoughts and opinions are continually changing. I want to be a kind and compassionate person but life tends to get in the way and sidetrack me. 

Like Liz I want to love and live with no regrets. I want to travel the world and "marvel at something". I want to try new things and not be afraid of what may happen. I want to do yoga. Meditate. Lay on the beach. Feel my toes in the sand. I want to treat money like its not something to hoard and rely on as a lifeline. It's just paper! I want to form relationships. Deep, meaningful relationships that change my heart and mind. Relationships that change my perspective. I want to meet people who have struggled. I want to listen to stories and tell some of my own. 

I am always saying one day. Well, I think that day needs to start immediately. 

Week two

Today marks the end of week two of my first term in nursing school. Much different than week one in the difficulty aspect. Week one was a lot of talk but week two included tests and rough drafts.  I have to say that yes it might be difficult but I am loving it! My mind feels like mush at the end of the day but the pursuit of knowledge is such an amazing journey that it makes it worth it. 

Maybe I won't be saying that a year from now but as of right now I am really enjoying learning new things and meeting new people. 

I feel like everyone should constantly be evolving and learning. If we don't the mind gets soft and honestly, life gets boring. Whether its nursing or the piano or even a foreign language, the mind is capable of endless learning...why not take advantage of that? 

New Beginnings

Today marks the end of my first school week. I had Anatomy lecture for five hours on Monday, Anatomy lab for five hours on Tuesday, and English for five hours today. That's fifteen hours that I have challenged myself to grow outside of my comfort zone. 

I have discovered that I am in love with learning. I love the whole process. In just a few days I have seen myself gain so much knowledge that I never dreamed I would have. 

Of course, the pace of the classes is accelerated and I am positive that not all weeks will I feel like I do this week, but I am so happy with myself. I have completely within my control the power to be one of those people who do extremely well. It feels like having the power to start high school over!  I can be whoever I want. I can be successful. 

The fact that I am in complete control of my success or failure again is so refreshing. I am definitely ready to conquer the tough stuff and to climb the mountains in the distance.

Learning

It's been a while. But the quiet has been for good reason. I've done a lot of learning recently and I've come to a pretty life changing conclusion: life requires effort. 

Sure, you can coast on by without trying at all but where is the living in that? 

You see, I am a dreamer. So, I spend a lot of time imagining what could be and what I would love to happen in my life instead of actually going after the life that I want. And in the past few weeks, I have learned that you can't just dream. Dreams are wonderful, incredible things, but, if you get so caught up in dreaming of what could be, you forget  about what is happening right now! 

Life is so rich with possibilities. Why not take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way? For example, I want to learn to play the piano. And it just so happens that there are 8 bazillion piano schools around my work!  

You have to go after the life you are craving. Very few have it handed to them on a silver platter, and, I mean, who really wants that anyway? Where's the fun in that? Something I have learned since becoming an adult and making big purchases is that yeah, I have had these things before but I didn't really know the value of them until I started buying them for myself. I think the same thing applies to the life you want. If you don't have to work for it, you can't really appreciate it when you make it. 

This year has been awesome so far. I've learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. I've grown and stretched myself. I've made myself uncomfortable in the hopes that it will help me grow. I am truly excited about my future. How could I not be? 

I am trying my best to live out this quote. It is difficult but oh so worth it. 

Exciting Times

I am so excited about my life right now.  So many things are going right.  The light is shining through at the end of the tunnel.  I am learning to take chances.  Live bigger and brighter.  I have one shot at this life and I am going to make it count.

Not everyone's life is the same.  There is no one "map to life", as the quote above states.  You stumble and push your way through.  You fall and get back up a thousand times.  You make a decision and realize it was the wrong one and have to find your way back.  You start over as many times as you want because life is not black and white.  Well, at least it shouldn't be!  Life should be bursting with color!  

Season your life with rich memories and beautiful friends and family.  Don't let the things that are important escape you.  And most of all, live a life you are proud of...

Lately, when I wake up in the morning, I remind myself that today is a new day.  I can choose to be anyone I want to be today.  I have the ability to choose to be kind...to be hopeful...to be funny...to be whatever I want!  

Possibility

Life is in constant motion.  Sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day that we forget to better ourselves. And after doing that for day after day after day, eventually those days turn into months, and those months turn into years.  Then, when we look back at what we have accomplished we see nothing.

Something that I am learning is that it is super easy to complain about where you are in life and not to change anything.  Einstein's definition of insanity is "...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  Lately, I have found that this is exactly what I am doing.  I wake up, dread going to work, go to work, have a bad day, and then come home and prepare to do it all over again.  And then at night when I am once again dreading the next day, I wonder why I'm not as happy as I could be.

One of my friends said something very profound the other day: happiness comes from within yourself, not the things that you do.  I happen to agree with her.  If we don't find the positivity in ourselves first, it doesn't matter if we are millionaires living on a private island with all the pina coladas in the world--we won't be happy.  However, if we can spark that light in our souls and continue to fan it, no matter what we do in life, joy will follow us.

I love this.  I can be the most negative person sometimes.  Instead of trying to fix something, I just want to complain.  This hit me on the head with a brick when I read it.  

Don't stay stuck somewhere and leave it up to the universe to choose your fate.  Choose to live your life the way you want to live it.  

My last point in this very scattered blog post is to take chances.  Nothing great was ever accomplished by playing it safe.  JFK once said, "Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly."  

Myself and many of my friends are making awesome life changing decisions right now and I am feeling truly inspired.  I am blessed to know these people and honored to share in their lives.  I am hopeful that I will meet many more people along my journey and be inspired by them as well. 

Sometimes big changes can be terrifying, but if you know in your heart it's what you want, then take a leap of faith and be happy.   

Learning to Be Thankful

It is so easy to become caught up in our own little worlds where if the wifi goes down we think we have it bad.  We become so accustomed to having our lives a certain way and when it is disrupted even for a moment, we moan and whine about it without realizing that there are some people in this world (actually A LOT of people) who don't even know what wifi is!  Their worries are much greater.  They worry whether or not they will eat in the next week or if their child will soon die from a disease they can't control.

I have really taken a hard look at my life recently and I've come to the realization that I have an exceptionally blessed life.  I have food in my cupboards, gas in my car, and a steady job to rely on.  The bills are always paid, my family is all in good health, and I am content.

Especially living in Los Angeles where luxury is rubbed in your face all day, everyday, it can be easy to get caught up in the mindset of "more, more, more!"  But, when you stop for a moment and take a look around, it's plain to see that there are a lot of people struggling.  While you go home to share time with your families, relax on the couch, and maybe watch some TV, there are others who are getting ready for their second or third jobs just so they can scrape by each week!

Every month I am setting goals for myself this year.  One of this month's goals is to do three kind things for others that I wouldn't normally do.  I have only completed one, but the other two are in production, and I have to say, that it has been a great experience.  Sometimes you don't realize how necessary those little things are in people's lives until you give it to them.  It doesn't have to be expensive things or even something that will take up much of your time, but something that you have noticed that someone else needs.  It may be a quick compliment when you see someone is down, maybe paying for the person's Starbucks behind you in the drive-thru, doing your loved one's laundry unexpectedly, or even just a much needed smile to the parents whose child won't stop screaming.

This quote is so true.  You have no idea what someone has been through.  You can't know what has destroyed them or made them smile.  So why treat people like we are all the same?  Just because someone is rude to you, doesn't mean you have any right to be rude back.  I am slowly but surely grasping this concept.  You never know who you are talking to.  You never know if someone desperately needs some kindness. Be careful of the words that you say.  

  

Dogma

Definition of DOGMA

1

a : something held as an established opinion; especially : a definite authoritative tenet

b : a code of such tenets <pedagogical dogma>

c : a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate ground. 

Steve Jobs described dogma as "living with the results of other people's thinking," and to be perfectly honest,  I think his quote is right on target.  He probably knew first hand what that felt like.  He dropped out of college after only six months and went on for quite a few years just experimenting with all kinds of odd things.  Do you think most people supported his decision then?

However, what if Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, had never dropped out of college? What if he had stuck to his major and graduated like everybody else usually does?  Do you think he would have been as wildly successful as he was? Probably not.

To take this story even further, what if, a few years after starting Apple, Jobs hadn't resigned as CEO of the business to start another company he thought might do better? Although that business didn't do so well and was eventually bought out by Apple where Steve Jobs returned as CEO, Jobs bought Pixar during this rough patch and created one of the biggest, if not the biggest, animation companies in the world! Do you think his family and friends thought he was crazy then?

Something that I am learning is to not care about other people's opinions of me.  Other's opinions will change constantly and they aren't worth the time and effort of keeping up with.  

I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life and at times, that can weigh quite heavily on my mind.  Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has a plan and I am lost in my own confusion! That's when I remind myself that this is my life and anything and everything that I decide to do is completely my choice.  I have often been criticized for not going to college after high school but to be perfectly honest, I feel that my path is leading me elsewhere.  I'm not quite sure where yet, but I'm figuring it out as I go.  

One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt.  It says "Do what you feel in your heart to be right--for you'll be criticized anyway."  My life is not set in stone at twenty years old.  So many things can alter my destination.  One thing I am sure of though is that I am truly excited to get there.  

Just Breathe

As I am getting older, I like to think I am growing into a better person each and every day.  I have my set backs.  Some days, I am unexplainably furious at everyone and everything and some days I have little to no self confidence in myself.  However, more and more I am learning that I am strong.  I am realizing that no matter what has happened in the past and regardless what my future holds for me, I am certainly capable of living my life to the fullest each and every day.

I recently read "the trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." -Marjorie Pay Hinckley

This quote is so profound to me.  Especially now that I am watching some of the girls I used to babysit grow and mature, I am finding myself constantly reminding them that this time in their lives is special.  It is not only necessary, but probably one of the most freedom filled times in their lives! (Of course, they beg to differ...)  It's funny because you don't see it until you've passed it and then there is no going back.  And I am sure there is somebody reading this who is older than me who is thinking to themselves, "just you wait...you've just begun."  I am also coming to terms with that fact and dealing with it the best way I know how: living each day like it's my last; savoring the sweetest moments; and then pushing aside the bad ones.

One of my favorite songs right now is "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson because it completely captures the way I am feeling right now.  Take a moment and watch this video.  This should be every twenty year old woman's mantra.

Exciting Things are Happenin' in 2013

Last year was a little crazy with a lot of low points for me, but this year seems to be shaping out pretty well!  It goes to show that at the end of a storm there is always a rainbow.

I am really excited for all of the memories that will be made this year.  I am making it a personal goal to worry less about money and to care more about time spent with family and friends.  If you think about it, that's all that will matter in the end, right?  We can't take any money with us when it's all over.  It is such a sobering thought that my life is not guaranteed.  I could be very lucky and have another sixty or seventy years on this earth or I could die tomorrow.  Will I want to die rich with money or rich with love?

Something I have been thinking about lately is how my attitude really impacts how my day goes.  One little thing, like someone cutting me off on the way to work, can either piss me off and then continue to ruin my day for the next 12 or so hours, or I can let it go and chalk it up to someone is in a hurry and it is most definitely not something I should even care about.  The minute details that make up our lives can either make us or break us depending on how we internalize them and then project them onto the people in our lives.

This is something I am trying to use in my life.  Sometimes it is tough to remember when someone is absolutely rude to you in every way, but if I put in the effort and take the time to diffuse a situation instead of fuel it, it all turns out wayyyy better in the end!  

So many things in my life are going well.  Why let little bad things distract me from the mountain of positive things?  Right?

And if you are having one of those days that just won't stop going down hill, watch this.  Trust me, it will make everything better.