The meaning of it all...

I have just started my second term of nursing school and with that new start have had a lot of moments to stop and think about my life.  I have thought about my successes and of course my failures.  I have thought about recent events, both the good ones and the bad ones.  I have had the time to ponder over my choices: my choice to go back to school, to break off this friendship, but to maintain another.  With all of this thinking, I have often wondered, "why?"  Why did I make that choice?  I have also wondered "how?" How it got to the way it is now.... And finally I've wondered "what?"  What can I do right now to make sure that either things maintain their good path or move onto a better path in the future?

If you really think about it, each and every one of our lives is made up of choices.  For example, you chose what you were going to where today, what you were going to do today, and what you were going to say or not say to people.  Those are small choices; however, you have also chose who to keep in your life and who to give up on.  These choices that we are all making every day of our lives shape us into who we are.

Sometimes it can be really tempting to wish with all your heart that you could go back and change it all.  But really, if you think about it, the only thing you can change is who you are from this day forward.  So, I guess what I am trying to say is that the meaning of it all comes down to who you choose to be.  Your life can be meaningful and full of wonder and happy memories if you choose to make it that way.  Some of the most positive people lead trial filled lives, yet they still maintain their sense of meaning.  They somehow know that beyond what they are going through right now that life is beautiful.

In the same way, I am learning that despite what I may have chosen for myself in the past, I can choose to be different today.  I can choose to push away people's misconceptions of me and to build myself up to be whoever I want.  And when, in my pursuit to be a positive person, I fail and speak words of negativity, I can choose to not allow that misstep to define me.  I can choose to move past it and live the life I am craving.

I recently found a quote that I like quite a bit:  "If you want to be happy, be." -Unknown  I think I might be using that in my life more often to remind myself of my choices.

Be yourself

I found something on the inter web today that I thought was very profound and spoken in a way I probably would say it to someone if I had the opportunity.  I unfortunately found it while I was supposed to be studying but that's another story for a different day.  hehe

 Click on this link to go to the youtube page for the vlog I found that posted this.  The vlog is called jennamarbles and it is one that I have followed for a long time.  She is hilarious but every once in a while she posts something like this that makes me go, "yeah, I totally get that."

After watching that I started thinking about my own life and how I have learned to be myself throughout the years.  I have told many people that it wasn't until everything was stripped away that I had the "opportunity" (and I put opportunity in quotes because it was more of a bone scraping, agonizing struggle) to find out who I really am on the inside.  Like she says in the video, it is really nice to have a support group around yourself and it can become easy to rely on those things to define yourself.  However, at some point in every single person's life you have to have it all taken from you.  Your family.  Your friends.  Your money.  Every single thing that makes up who you think you are has to go in order for you to turn inward and figure it out.  I don't think that this is a one time thing.  I think it will happen throughout your life again and again; and then each time you will see exactly what makes you....you.

For example, last year my best friend and I had a major falling out.  I don't think I have ever spoken about it on here.  It was awful and probably the worst experience I have ever been through.  I felt alone and isolated from everything and everyone that I had built up around me.  I felt like a crazy person to be honest because I cried all the freaking time.  It took us quite a while to get to a point where we could talk about it (let alone talk to each other at all) and sort all the craziness out.  During that time, however, I learned so SO much about who I am as a person.  I learned to be self reliant.  I learned that I don't particularly like parties are group gatherings or anything like that.  Actually, I'd probably go a long way to avoid them.  I learned that the fact that I don't like those things is okay.  I learned who my real friends were.  I learned that I was not being the person or friend that I could be.  I learned all about what being a friend really means and how hard it is to fulfill that role all the time.  I learned that I need to (for my sanity) take time out of every day for myself--whether that is a bubble bath, a starbucks run, or just a few minutes alone lying in bed.  I need that time to decompress and be all that I can be.  I learned however dramatically that I have limits to how much I can take from one day before I emotionally combust.  I learned to listen to those warning signs and go cool off before I do.  I learned that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a tough, smart, and loving human being who has goals and dreams and things still left to do on this earth with or without anyone else by my side.  I now have a level of self confidence that I didn't have before.  I am by no means perfect but I trust my instincts and know that I can make it on my own.

Watch that video and reexamine your life.  As people, we are constantly changing and evolving and hopefully, bettering ourselves.  Being the best you you can be is a big part of that.     

Eat pray love

I am watching the movie Eat Pray Love right now. I have read the book before and seen the movie before but I don't think I will ever get tired of its truth. I think I can relate so much to it because at my core I am very much like Liz...

I tend to have an idea and then I throw myself into it with all of my heart. I go big or go home. I find something and then run with it. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't sit still for long even though that sounds like the most wonderful thing in the world. However, if I am not interested, it is the most difficult thing to get myself to actually try. I lose my temper a lot. I cry all the time for the strangest of reasons. I like to eat and eat and eat. Large crowds give me anxiety. I like to think that I have it all figured out but I am actually taking it step by step. My thoughts and opinions are continually changing. I want to be a kind and compassionate person but life tends to get in the way and sidetrack me. 

Like Liz I want to love and live with no regrets. I want to travel the world and "marvel at something". I want to try new things and not be afraid of what may happen. I want to do yoga. Meditate. Lay on the beach. Feel my toes in the sand. I want to treat money like its not something to hoard and rely on as a lifeline. It's just paper! I want to form relationships. Deep, meaningful relationships that change my heart and mind. Relationships that change my perspective. I want to meet people who have struggled. I want to listen to stories and tell some of my own. 

I am always saying one day. Well, I think that day needs to start immediately. 

Week two

Today marks the end of week two of my first term in nursing school. Much different than week one in the difficulty aspect. Week one was a lot of talk but week two included tests and rough drafts.  I have to say that yes it might be difficult but I am loving it! My mind feels like mush at the end of the day but the pursuit of knowledge is such an amazing journey that it makes it worth it. 

Maybe I won't be saying that a year from now but as of right now I am really enjoying learning new things and meeting new people. 

I feel like everyone should constantly be evolving and learning. If we don't the mind gets soft and honestly, life gets boring. Whether its nursing or the piano or even a foreign language, the mind is capable of endless learning...why not take advantage of that? 

New Beginnings

Today marks the end of my first school week. I had Anatomy lecture for five hours on Monday, Anatomy lab for five hours on Tuesday, and English for five hours today. That's fifteen hours that I have challenged myself to grow outside of my comfort zone. 

I have discovered that I am in love with learning. I love the whole process. In just a few days I have seen myself gain so much knowledge that I never dreamed I would have. 

Of course, the pace of the classes is accelerated and I am positive that not all weeks will I feel like I do this week, but I am so happy with myself. I have completely within my control the power to be one of those people who do extremely well. It feels like having the power to start high school over!  I can be whoever I want. I can be successful. 

The fact that I am in complete control of my success or failure again is so refreshing. I am definitely ready to conquer the tough stuff and to climb the mountains in the distance.

Learning

It's been a while. But the quiet has been for good reason. I've done a lot of learning recently and I've come to a pretty life changing conclusion: life requires effort. 

Sure, you can coast on by without trying at all but where is the living in that? 

You see, I am a dreamer. So, I spend a lot of time imagining what could be and what I would love to happen in my life instead of actually going after the life that I want. And in the past few weeks, I have learned that you can't just dream. Dreams are wonderful, incredible things, but, if you get so caught up in dreaming of what could be, you forget  about what is happening right now! 

Life is so rich with possibilities. Why not take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way? For example, I want to learn to play the piano. And it just so happens that there are 8 bazillion piano schools around my work!  

You have to go after the life you are craving. Very few have it handed to them on a silver platter, and, I mean, who really wants that anyway? Where's the fun in that? Something I have learned since becoming an adult and making big purchases is that yeah, I have had these things before but I didn't really know the value of them until I started buying them for myself. I think the same thing applies to the life you want. If you don't have to work for it, you can't really appreciate it when you make it. 

This year has been awesome so far. I've learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. I've grown and stretched myself. I've made myself uncomfortable in the hopes that it will help me grow. I am truly excited about my future. How could I not be? 

I am trying my best to live out this quote. It is difficult but oh so worth it. 

Exciting Times

I am so excited about my life right now.  So many things are going right.  The light is shining through at the end of the tunnel.  I am learning to take chances.  Live bigger and brighter.  I have one shot at this life and I am going to make it count.

Not everyone's life is the same.  There is no one "map to life", as the quote above states.  You stumble and push your way through.  You fall and get back up a thousand times.  You make a decision and realize it was the wrong one and have to find your way back.  You start over as many times as you want because life is not black and white.  Well, at least it shouldn't be!  Life should be bursting with color!  

Season your life with rich memories and beautiful friends and family.  Don't let the things that are important escape you.  And most of all, live a life you are proud of...

Lately, when I wake up in the morning, I remind myself that today is a new day.  I can choose to be anyone I want to be today.  I have the ability to choose to be kind...to be hopeful...to be funny...to be whatever I want!