Finals week and other things

It has been quite a while since I've posted anything but hey, I have good reason.  For one thing, school has been very demanding lately and has required the majority of my attention (my poor husband).  Another thing that has kept me from posting is the fact that I am growing substantially in my way of thinking.  Let me explain...

About two weeks ago I finally had enough of the way I was acting and being perceived.  Because of the way I reacted to the stresses associated with work, school, and home life, I had become a very negative person.  Negativity flowed off of me in waves and crashed into anyone who happened to be around me.  That didn't make anyone else happy and it sure as hell didn't make me happy.  I knew for quite a while that this was happening but I was going about trying to change it in all the wrong ways.  I was trying (desperately) to change my environment.  I wanted out of my job so badly.  I hated it and every day showing up to work was the worst day ever.  (Dramatic, I know.)  I wanted more friends desperately.  I wanted a better relationship with my family desperately.  Let me tell you that desperation may drive some people to do the impossible and thats great but for me desperation was not breeding the kind of results I wanted.

At the deepest part of me, I wanted to be peaceful.  I want to let stress roll right off of me instead of taking it in and magnifying it.  I want to bring joy to other people's lives and be someone that people love to be around.  I want to be zen.

I had talked to a friend about my extreme dislike of the negative person I had become and we chatted about how easy it is to become negative when working with the public.  People can be demanding and rude and downright annoying.  And when you're hot and sweaty and tired and worried about all the things you have to do after work the last thing you want is some rude person asking something else of you.  So, I decided to cut it out.  People will always be demanding and rude and annoying.  I can't change them and honestly I don't want to try.  I can control my reaction to them though.  So, for the last two weeks I have been working on my negativity and I have never been so happy.  There are still plenty of moments of being overwhelmed but I am learning to recognize when I am getting overwhelmed, to take a step back, and to breathe.

Inhale, exhale...deep breaths...

It totally works for me.  It allows me a moment of calm in the chaos.  A moment to relax.  Let anger go.  Let fear go.  Let anxiety go.  Let pain, worry, stress, go.

It is still a work in progress and I'm sure I still have a long way to go but I am getting there.

In other news, I am using this blog post to distract myself from studying for finals....it is finals week and I am SO excited to be rid of this term.  Ten weeks may not seem like a lot of time and in some ways it truly isn't but this ten weeks felt like an eternity.  I will be so glad when it is over.  I am also excited because my birthday is in 6 days and I am so glad I have amazing friends to spend it with this year.  I am ALSO excited to visit my family up in Santa Cruz for 6 days after my birthday.  It is going to be a good couple of weeks.